Buffer

Popular Articles

Top 5 Myths About Men

In my relationship with my man, I’ve gotten myself into trouble by assuming things about him that simply aren’t true. Then I react in ways that baffle him and create tension in our relationship. And I’ve only recently realized that I’ve been telling myself myths, over and over again.

Here are my top five Man Myths:

1. He’s just too hard to please

Actually, yes. But the person he’s most concerned about not measuring up is himself. He’s constantly pushing himself to do more and be better, and he honestly thinks that’s a normal way to view life.

2. He’s too difficult to figure out

Not really. He has a few basic needs, and then everything else he’s about springs from that. He’s a lot less complex than most women, in fact. It’s just that those few basic needs are just about completely foreign to me.

3. If he loved me, he would / wouldn’t… Sure he would / wouldn’t do whatever

He just doesn’t equate whatever it is with showing or feeling love. And, it’s my responsibility to let him know what’s going to count with me. If I don’t, he’s going to wander around clueless and confused.

4. He doesn’t want me to be happy

Of course he does. It’s just that my basic needs are just as foreign to him as his are to me. He doesn’t understand what “happiness” means to me or how to get me to that state.

Top 5 Myths About Men

5. He was trying to hurt my feelings

Probably not. His actual state of mind when I tell him that my feelings are hurt is usually more along the lines of confusion and disbelief than they are, “Yes! I scored one!”

What are your “Man Myths?” What are they doing to your relationship? If you are confused and frustrated by your man, chances are, he feels the same toward you. He probably has his own “woman myths,” but since men don’t usually ponder their relationships, it should be easy to make him forget them if you apply a few basic techniques.

Shower him with respect and admiration as well as love and affection.

This will make him happy – guaranteed. Saying, “I admire you,” and having a list of three reasons why ready to tell him, is exactly what he wants to hear from you.

Appreciate the things he does for you – not just the “romantic” ones, but the little things.

If he walks your dog or cleans your tires, he has done that for you because he likes you. Thanking him and bragging on him to your friends while within his earshot are two ways of showing appreciation that go too little used.

Give him “man time.”

To many women, it seems silly to let their man go out with his buddies to a sports bar so they can all yell at a TV screen together. Why hang out with their crude, noisy, and somewhat smelly and juvenile pals when he could be with you? Because men need this. I don’t know why, but they do.

  • Marilyn

    This is such a strong belief in our society yet one I am determined to eradicate wherever I can. I believe it is one that leads to a loss of power in people and to abuse.

    For example, when I was young I loved cherry vanilla ice cream. You know the white one with the really bright red cherries. Well when I was researching food additives I read about the red colouring they use to make the cherries so red and decided I didn’t want to eat them anymore. My husband insisted on buying that ice cream insisting he knew what I liked. When I said I no longer eat that kind and the children shouldn’t either he said I was difficult and hard to please.

    I was being pressured not to change because as long as I didn’t change he thought he knew me. I know this is a very simple example but change the ice cream for anything at all – a restaurant, sexual position, friend etc. “If you love me you will ask me what I want and respect that I have the right to change my mind.” is more my motto now. “And if you are really interested in me you will also be interested in how and why I make my choices and respect me for the thinking woman I am.” I of course will do the same with you.

    The old way insists that the person who loves us spends time second guessing us and not on creating their own life. So many women think their husbands act like children and not like thinking adults then expect them to spend their lives learning about the woman and trying to please her rather than thinking for himself on what he would like to do. So many women don’t accept the responsibility to discover their own wants because they accept that someone else “should” know what they want. Sort of like having a good parent around all the time.

    This is the process I work through in my first book, “Questing Marilyn.” I wrote it to read like a novel but have filled it with the struggles to really know the self and honour that adults can decide what is right for them even if others disapprove or struggle to deal with the changes.

    I also hate the one often used for marriage ceremonies where each partner is told to make the other happy. No one can make another happy. We each must find our own happiness and share it. If someone is responsible for my happiness I can blame them if I am not happy. This is at the core of a lot of unhappy abusive people’s thinking and behaving. No matter how the one tries to please the other the one expecting to be pleased or made happy can always raise the bar and say more, more, more… So love me enough to discover who I am and how I am growing and learning.

    Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, Canada

  • Susan

    My experience is that relationship myths are like old wives’ tales — a seed of truth lies buried at the core.

    The myth I find most hurtful to both men and women is the idea that marriage (or parenthood) will change a person. So many of us want to believe this is true… that those annoying, unsettling quirks we see now will disappear after the ceremony or when the baby comes. Only they don’t. Instead, it is our tolerance for them that does all the changing. The partier still goes out (only now without you), drinking and spending too much. The mama’s boy can never stand up to her, even when it means everything to you. The flirt who is enchanting and engaging now will continue to say and do outrageous things to everyone she meets, your boss, your friends, your co-workers. Until the day you wake up, ten years (or more) older, and find you’re living with the very same person you married. You’ve grown, they haven’t.

    It’s been my experience that believing somone will be changed by one event or relationship sets you up for some major disappointment and unhappiness. Life and the passage of time take your tolerance for those nagging character flaws down to zero. So if it bothers you now, stop and think — can you tolerate with this quirk for the rest of your life?

    If your friends or family don’t like your intended — find out why. They may see something that you, blinded by love and devotion as you are, have missed. And if your mother (or father) is trying, perhaps clumsily, to warn you of something — hold off on the defensiveness and listen, if just once. Look for the seed of truth in there an you just may save yourself a lot of heartache and broken dreams.

    Susan, USA

  • Lynda

    Is it a myth that women can be too picky when it comes to choosing a man? I think the answer lies in asking a better question: what is it that’s going on in our lives that we attract the men that we do? Do we REALLY want a man to dote and to be committed when we are enthralled with wanderlust, adventure and unpredictability? In this case, we might not admit or recognize the dynamics, but we’d probably attract a man who’s not ‘available’, lest he alter our current path when we’re not ready to hang our hat in one place with one guy.

    How about needing to be needed for some external validation? The druggies, alcoholics, the philanderers NEED a woman who’s accomodating, who’s waiting, who’s going to give them the sharp edge of admonishment and the soft edge of constant inspirational notations and speeches — at her own expense. I know it’s fictional, but the sitcom Will and Grace exemplifies this, only in another arena with all the same dynamics. This keeps the woman very distracted from pursuing her own positive changes and course — cuz she doesn’t think she’s worth it. But hey, bailing a man outta jail — now that’s a form of…acknowledgement, isn’t it?

    How about attracting the guy who’s perfect? Exactly who is a perfect guy? Everyone’s got a story, excess baggage, semi-broken heart — it all unfolds over time and this includes the women folk, too.

    Another better question is: who’s going to stick by you when you’ve got the stomach flu? Who’s going to help your elderly mom and dad mow the lawn and fix their garage? What man has the strength of character to nix the advances of the gorgeous blonde bombshell — or even the ‘dog’ who’s offering a quickie? It’s really a matter of substance, character and values which women ultimately seek and I believe we attract those values residing in our very hearts, minds and souls.

    Make no mistake. No man is perfect, but there’s one who’s perfect in values and character for each and every one of us if we so desire.

    Lynda, USA

  • Kate

    No way! My husband is definitely what you’d call a nice guy. He helps everyone around him, even perfect strangers. Once at Lowe’s, he helped a woman carry a large package out to her car and load it up because the staff couldn’t come quickly enough to assist her. Another time he stopped to help some women whose car had broken down. He is just a great, nice guy, and as soon as I met him, I knew he was the one for me!

    Kate, USA

  • Deborah

    In this day and age playing ‘hard to get’ is rarely fruitful. My mother used to tell me to play hard to get. In fact, I’m sure many women have heard and even abided by that rule.

    I can honestly say that playing games is the opposite way to get what you want. In fact if you want to alienate a man, confuse him and ultimately turn him off then playing hard to get is the way to go.

    I had a relationship with a man that was very casual. We dated off and on for over a year, and didn’t require much of each other. I wasn’t needy, he wasn’t jealous, we were good friends and it was working—or so we thought.

    During the course of our relationship, he met someone else that he decided to start seeing seriously—she was smart enough to make a move. Around the same time, I entered into a more serious relationship as well, and although the feelings were still there, what we had came to an inevitable end.

    A few months later he called me out of the blue. He was leaving, he told me, but wanted confirmation from me. If I confirmed my feelings for him, he would stay, otherwise he was leaving indefinitely. As I let him go that night, I was not exactly confident in the relationship I was currently in, but had simply grown used to the games I was used to playing with him. It had become much easier to tell him no, than to be honest. So he left.

    In reality we both were feeling a lot more than we decided to let on. This was fact that wasn’t revealed until months after we had parted—he to another country and me to another city. I still regret not being honest with the way I felt and he has revealed as much to me.

    I’ve learned from that relationship to always be honest with my feelings. Why not? There’s nothing to lose. If you have feelings for someone you should share them as soon as you can. Otherwise you run the risk of losing them altogether.

    We ended up sharing our feelings through email and IM. While it was much easier than speaking in person, it didn’t get either of us what we wanted, which was each other. All it got us was a fantasy of what could have been. Two years later we have yet to try again. And, being thousands of miles apart, I’m not sure we ever will.

    I’ve learned to be honest, no matter what. Sure you run the risk of being shut-down or even getting your heart broken, but ultimately every relationship is an opportunity to learn something new and a practice run for the real thing. And who knows, maybe the real thing is right in front of you.

    Deborah, Canada