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Your Shadow Self?

Elvis Elvis

What do you believe about yourself? As you’ve already read, those beliefs guide what you do and how people respond to you. Your shadow self may be more in control than you realise!

Think about the last time someone gave you a compliment. What was your response? Did you accept the compliment? Did you ignore it? Did you turn it around / blow it off / say something negative about yourself in response?

One of my best friends, Lisa, can’t take a compliment to save her life. Drives me crazy. She’ll be wearing this beautiful dress, and I’ll tell her, “Wow, you look hot!” Her response is something like, “Well I really couldn’t find anything to wear.” Or, “I’m completely exhausted.” Or, “I can’t stand these shoes.”

It doesn’t matter. Her response doesn’t have to have anything to do with my comment about how she looks. She will find some way to discount the compliment I’ve given her, and make some negative comment about herself.

Chances are, if you pay attention to how you respond to positive feedback, either internally or externally, you probably find some way to counteract it.

How do I know this?

It’s simple – you are unsuccessful in your pursuit to pick up women. You have been unable to change your success in this area. Therefore, you have some negative view of yourself (your shadow self) – whether it’s an obvious negative view, or one that’s buried deep inside, it’s still negative. My guess is, since you have a negative view of yourself, compliments probably aren’t your thing.

Lisa’s responses to compliments are indicative of how she feels about herself. Lisa doesn’t have confidence in herself at all. And because I know her well, I know this is true in nearly every area of her life – Lisa doesn’t feel good enough even though she is nice looking, average weight, intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. But it’s really no wonder she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Your Shadow Self?

Lisa’s negative belief about herself permeates the space around her.

But Lisa’s a girl. If Lisa changes the way she thinks about herself to a more positive belief – I am nice looking; I do have nice clothes; people do find me attractive; I am smart; I am funny – no one would question her confidence in herself.

But as guys, do we believe we have the same right to feel good about ourselves?

What is your view of guys who have confidence in themselves? Do you think they’re arrogant? Do you think they’re less than manly men?

The truth is, if you don’t feel good about yourself and believe that you can be attractive to other people (and you are, therefore, attracted to yourself ), then no one else will be attracted to you.

Read that again: If you are not attracted to yourself, no one else will be either.

Let’s look at this from a slightly different angle. Think about someone in your life you can’t stand. What is it about them that turns you off? I’ll use a buddy of mine as an example.

Michael is a nice looking guy – slim, fit, crystal blue eyes, and he still has a good head of hair.

Michael can’t keep a woman in his life. He’ll talk to women at the bar, but he can’t seem to get their number. He has resorted to online dating sites to meet women (not to say there is something wrong with it; actually it can be very effective, but this is besides the point).

Now I’ve known Michael for a long time. Recently he came to me and asked what I think is wrong with him. He asked, so I told him, “It’s your attitude about yourself. You are negative about yourself, and you’re negative about the world – cynical actually. And it’s really not attractive.”

Michael didn’t believe me. While he asked me for my opinion, he really didn’t want to hear it (back to that change thing again). He’s still negative. And he still can’t get a date.

Think about someone in your life you really don’t like. What is it about them? For Michael, it’s his negativity. While he projects his negativity out on the world, the truth is, Michael really can’t stand himself. Try to tell Michael he has a negative view of himself and he’ll fight you to the death. But it’s true.

Start paying attention to what you can’t stand in people. Then start looking at those characteristics as reflections of the person themselves. Now look at yourself. What is it you are projecting to others that is really a reflection of who you are inside?